Filed under: Dating & Relationships
I can’t let this go. Every day it’s all I think about. I am getting exhausted from thinking. Do I open this up again and risk us both? I am in so much pain and I wonder what could be if we just continued a little longer. Will he take me back? Is that what I really want? It’s not like I’m looking for a hookup. I don’t care about that. I like him. I want to spend time with him. I Like being with him and he makes me a more grounded person.
If I do go back, do I open up to him and show him everything about me? I’m slightly crazy, slightly dependent. He knows I’m crazy. But I’m unsure he knows the extent to which I’m crazy. If I see him I may want to cry a little. I’m crying a little inside. I’m unable to cry on teh outside. it hurts too much.
… you begin to wonder why you came.
Filed under: Dating & Relationships | Tags: relationships, dating, love, breaking up, pain, loss
Today I got exhausted from thinking about this to-be, non-existant, ridiculous relationship. For the past 4 days we have been trying to get together but one of us has been sick, tired, and everything in between. Perhaps this means we shouldn’t see each other at all. I am tortured. I woke up today, positive we would be hanging out at some point. I went to my doctor’s appointment (looking nice just in case) and recieved a message from him in route, asking me about work the day before. After I responded I didn’t hear from him for a while.. and then he was cleaning.. and then he was tired. So I said “Ok. Ok that’s fine. Feel better” .. twenty minutes later I sent another one “if you change your mind and do decide to hang out in the near future, let me know”. That was kind of my last warning. He picked up on it fast.
“You don’t think I’m doing this on purpose do you? I do want to hang out…” and he listed his days off. And I said “Well, I really don’t know. If you didn’t want to hang out I would say it didn’t go undeserved”. That’s right, I’m not an insensitive asshole. I recognize that I fucked up. That I am consistently fucking up in this relationship. Or whatever you want to call it. In my mind we never really broke up. We could get back together tomorrow and I would be fine with it. But I always question how long I would be okay. I have hurt him for a long time.
I wonder what is wrong with me, why do I numb myself. When he bailed today I felt pain. Pain I wasn’t really expecting. I was let down. I wonder if, when I am anxious (as when I’m waiting to hang out), I numb myself to emotions. That seems to be a possibility. Because the moment he’s out of reach I feel pain. And I wait for a text, a phone call, anything. It sounds so pathetic. But when I know there is hope I become less excited. What does this mean? Do I enjoy suffering?
I miss him so much. I miss his companionship. If we do ever get back together, I will stress my need for space. I am me and nothing will ever change.
Reading this blog you probably think I am a whiny teenager. Perhaps. And I wish my emotions would quit yo-yo-ing. I know I can’t be friends with him. I don’t know if I can do without him. Am I setting us both up for future pain? I’m scared. I know I am drawing this pain out for too long.
I want to be able to call him up and tell him I’m stressed. I want him to tell me what he is thinking. I don’t want to go through life not knowing what I screwed up.
Filed under: Dating & Relationships | Tags: relationships, dating, love, breaking up, anxiety, confusion, heartbreak, loneliness
I saw the boy for the first time in one month last week. I went to visit him at work, at his request (well.. with my persistence). As I passed by the window and I saw him, my stomach jumped. Standing in line and hearing his laugh made me start to shake uncontrollably. He was really busy and didn’t see me.. I ordered my coffee and, knowing he was busy, I left.. and stood against a wall trying to collect my nerves. I was a mess.
I called my aunt and she came to save me for a while. And then I drove back and walked up and down the street, trying to decide what to do. I decided to leave again (without going in). I couldn’t handle it. But I did text him to say I was at my aunt’s and he said that I should stop by later.. So I went home for an hour and returned. And we talked. It was awkward at first. There is so much to say and so much neither of us want to say. I do miss him, though.
The night before thanksgiving I was working and I had told him to visit me before he returned home, if he wanted. I Showed up to work early, hoping he would come before I came on.. but he didn’t. By 6 PM I was a mess, sick with anticipation and disappointment. Then I received a message- he was going to come! I didn’t take a break and instead, I waited. When he came at 7:30 I lit up.. I couldn’t tell how he felt about the situation, though. We stood outside in the rain talking while he smoked 3 cigarettes. . . I didn’t even eat (well, I did after he left). I was so glad to see him. Seeing him somehow eases my anxiety.
Now I haven’t seen him since and the anxiety is building again. I get anxious if I don’t know whether or not I am going to see him. I miss him. I really do. I tore off the scab and the wound hurts again. Not like new, but the pain is there.
I found a song that perfectly describes my emotions (another one). That’s the Way I loved You by Taylor Swift.
Filed under: Dating & Relationships | Tags: men, relationships, internet dating, dating, attraction, sexual, boyfriends, love, break-ups, growing up, already gone, breaking up, guilt, intimacy, patience, experience, maturity, sadness
When I entered work this morning I was in a great mood- I was ready to make someone’s day exceptional.
Until my co-worker told me she had seen my ex-”guy friend” the other night… my stomach just dropped. Seriously, I felt as though someone had doused me in cold water. I was so upset just thinking about it. Why am I so affected by this? Shouldn’t I be over our relationship, that I ended?
Due to my lack of persons to talk with, I need to think this out a little more (yes, I am a thinker.. Yes, I know I think too much). My mom said that if I really liked him, I wouldn’t have broken up with him in the first place. True- but I do have a lot of psychological stuff going on, which affects my decisions. What if, for instance, I was so afraid of the pace of the relationship that I nixed it before it began? I think I am forgetting myself and I am forgetting how I felt with him.
I felt unsure, cautious and as if something was missing. Perhaps a little more intellectual stimulation? Part of the problem, however, was that I was not very open with him. Sure I was confused, but I didn’t really reveal my past. How does that come up in a conversation, anyways? I don’t reveal myself to anyone, really.
I loved staying over. It was exhilarating, to know that I was liked enough by someone that he would have me stay with him in his bed. And I liked the change of pace to my routine.
I liked having someone to talk with all of the time. I liked knowing that I could call him or text him and he would be there in a second.
I didn’t like feeling guilty if I preferred to do something else.. and I didn’t like feeling pressured to engage in physical intimacy (sometimes I was just SO tired). Trying to do everything a girlfriend should do just wore me out… I know now that I was trying too hard, that I shouldn’t have to try. He told me he didn’t expect anything from me. But I didn’t want to be with him all of the time.. which signifies to me that we’re not right for one another. I didn’t have enough space, was my problem.
I don’t think I was physically attracted to him at first.. but that really developed over time. I am more attracted to him because I know the person he is.
I do really like him. I like that I know him as a person, beneath everything he puts himself out to be. I like that I brought out the good side of him. I didn’t want to hurt him. Ever. I just wanted to make him happy.. but I wasn’t happy (for the reasons stated above).
I cancelled my match subscription. The guy to whom I am talking just seems too young. Granted, he is my age and seems to be self motivated. But he lacks experience and compassion. My guy friend has both- experience, compassion and patience. I need someone with patience.
Just thinking about this makes me want to cry a little. When I think of seeing him again, I think of hugging him, kissing him. Then crying a little.
Another thing that scares me- I see a little bit of my father in him. I know that if I were to get involved with him, it would be a rocky road. I don’t know if i can handle another road. I told him about my father’s past… and present. My dad has made me a cold person- if I were not so emotionally numb I don’t think I would make it through sane.
aksd;fkald
I don’t know what to do. I want to call him, ask him to coffee. I want to hug him for a really long time. I want to tell him what’s going on and I want him to care. Likewise, I want to hear about his life. I’ve hit a wall. I’m done trying.
Filed under: General | Tags: caffeine, exercise, goals, healthy eating, healthy lifestyle
Today was a decent day- I ate well, exercised AND had NO coffee (I did have two diet cokes and two cups of tea.. but that’s better than four cups of coffee, right?). I need to start somewhere and I definitely cannot go without caffeine. And I don’t necessarily want to cut it out entirely, either. There have been many studies on caffeine and, for the most part, not all of the effects are bad.
So how am I feeling? I feel good. I didn’t eat too much sugar, had solid meals and snacks and studied for my anatomy and physiology class.. and absorbed. There is so much to be said about a healthy lifestyle… everything is, well, better. I exercised this morning and walked my dog this afternoon (the weather was great- I guess that’s due to global warming but I’ll stay optimistic). I also chatted with my good friend on the phone (staying social is key) and studied in the library to be around people.
My brother moved out of the house and my sister moved into his room. Now that I have a little more space I feel as though I can manage easier. Time to study!
Filed under: Dating & Relationships, General | Tags: relationships, dating, flake, breaking up, Toyota, Yaris, used cars, independence, artificial sweeteners, friendships, space, diet coke, coca cola zero, coke zero, caffeine, diet cherry coke, coca cola
I have been doing a bit better on my previously posted goals- I had the chance to flake out twice this week and I have not! Hurrah! This is a start; not much, but a start. I am still consuming a bit of artificial sweeteners- though mostly via beverages (diet coke*, sugar free syrups and splenda). The more I cut down the better I feel but it is definitely a difficult habit to break.
I’m still pining for the guy. I don’t know what my deal is. I think it’s funny that I always want what seems unobtainable. The thing is, I know I don’t want to hurt him… and therefore I know I should stay away from him. Am I scared that I won’t find another? I’m not really sure. I was comfortable with him but not to the level I wanted. I need to be able to communicate with a person about things that matter. I think part of the issue is that I am not entirely stable myself. No- I am not “crazy”. Emotionally, however, I have been through a lot so I think that it would be very difficult for anybody in my position to be emotionally stable. So do I wait to become this stable person (who, to be honest, I have never been) or do I accept myself for the way I am at present? A question to ponder.
On another note- my uncle and I looked at a car the other night- a 2007 Toyota Yaris. It was beautiful and it was such a smooth ride.
2007 Yaris
I love the car but it is about $11,000 with 45K miles on it. Financially, I think it would be wise if I aim for a car between 7K and $10K. We are supposed to look at some cars at the Honda dealership on Friday night. Once I have a car (of my own) I think I will feel a little better and slightly more independent. Does anyone have any suggestions for a reliable car that is typically inexpensive? I think the Toyota is my best bet for this but I am open to suggestions.
My brother moved out on Sunday and so my sister and I are hoping to finally have our own space (we have shared a room our entire lives until I went to college- now that I am back we are together again and it has been a tough transition). I think this will also lead to some obtainable independence and mental sanity. My hope is that I will be able to organize my life a bit more once I am able to spread out. For me, organization is key to feeling calm.
* As a side note- I used to be a diet coke ADDICT. Literally, 5 cans per day (cans only, not bottles). Last night I bought coke zero because the store was out of diet coke. Can we say disgusting? Apparently it has a higher Acesulfame potassium: Aspartame ratio… in the end, it’s all chemical.
I don’t know how anyone can drink it… and I say this while I am choking down a can. A bit hypocritical, maybe, but I’m desperate. I’m trying to cut down on my caffeine and, seeing as coke has fewer mg than a cup of starbucks coffee I feel this is better. Not better for my teeth. After I buy (and enjoy) a 12 pack of diet coke THEN I will switch to coffee and tea.
I miss diet cherry coke.
Filed under: Dating & Relationships | Tags: dating, already gone, kelly clarkson, breaking up, boyfriend, nostalgia, security, escape, guilt
I miss him. It’s getting easier to not be in pain all of the time, but I still miss him. I miss having him to call and knowing I can go to his house if I need to. I miss having an escape. I miss his bed. I miss his smell. I miss his humor.
I don’t miss feeling guilty. I don’t miss the anxiety I had every time I knew it wasn’t right. I don’t miss feeling pressured (by my own subconscious) to have sex with him. I don’t miss the mind games.
I feel like this relationship can be summed up by a mixture of Katy Perry’s Hot and Cold (speaking about me) and Kelly Clarkson’s already gone. Yup, describes the relationship in a nutshell. I like him enough to not want to hurt him anymore. i need to let him go..
.. but still, it would be nice to hear from him once in a while.
