Filed under: Dating & Relationships, General, health | Tags: blogging, breakups, camera, goals, green living, happiness, healthy, peace, photography, relationships
Well I finally have new batteries for my digital camera and, with my newfound free time (boyfriend-less again, but let’s not go too deep into it this time), I would say it is time to start blogging again.
Breakups are always somewhat funny… not at the time, of course, but retrospectively. A person breaks up with his or her significant other, goes through a period of mourning, during which time that person is incapable of doing much but be miserable and then, miraculously, they realize that the person with whom (she) was with was probably not the best match anyways. I always miss the companionship the most but it is time to reestablish myself as an independent woman.
Surprisingly, for me, my re-establishment started by simply going out with an unfamiliar crowd. I met up with a girl that I don’t really know on Friday for drinks with her boyfriend and her coworker. It was really a good time and I felt fresh. I also felt a little young (I was the youngest twenty something year old there… who works at Starbucks rather than a boring office job) but how else does one mature than by recognizing (her) immaturity.
The next day I was elated. I ran three miles (usually i can only run about 2 but I was on fire). I began the process of reorganizing my room (this has been waiting to happen for about 6 months now) and I bought some cute candles and incense to brighten it up. I have been eating healthy. I brought Biscuit to Beaver Brook for an invigorating walk in the woods. I even got in contact with an old friend.
My goals for this week: finish my room, talk with at least one friend a day (outside of work) and start going to yoga class! And of course.. camera eveywhere.
As one of my customers says: “Have a peaceful day”
Filed under: health | Tags: birth control, depression, fatigue, health, mood, neuron, neuroscience, neurotransmitter, period, serotonin, women's health
About one month ago I started taking birth control in order to a) help strengthen my bones and b) stimulate my periods. Unfortunately, however, it also drastically affected my mood and it wasn’t until recently that I made the connection between my extreme fatigue and depression and my birth control. I am always the type of person that likes to be doing something- unless I am hungover I am either at the gym or up and dressed. On the pill, however, I slung around at home and slept a whole lot more. Work was next to unbearable. Christmas day I realized that this haze in which I had been living was not normal. Yesterday I did not take the pill and, for the first time in a month, my haze lifted. I felt like a fog had literally been taken off my shoulders. Now I am kind of annoyed because my friend said “Maybe it’s the placebo effect”. I know i have a history of being a hypochondriac but come on- the change in my mood was so drastic that it was recognized at work. I went out last night for the first time in a long time (and drank more than I probably should have…) without feeling worn down and I maintained the ability to communicate. The quick difference in my mood almost amazed me.
When I researched this a bit I found that the association between depression and the pill is very common- the depression rate for women almost doubles when you are on the pill. And alas- progestin, the synthetic hormone in birth control pills, has been shown to lower levels of serotonin. Serotonin is the neurotransmitter in the brain responsible for mood and feeling happy- too little of this neurotransmitter is associated with depression and depression is often treated with SSRIs, which maintain higher levels of serotonin in the synaptic cleft so that they don’t get reabsorbed into the neuron.
So why didn’t my doctor warn me of depression, especially with my history of anxiety and my family’s history of depression? This fascinates me and I’ll have to give her a call in the near future.
If you want to research a bit on your own, here is a starting website from which I gathered some information:
http://www.aphroditewomenshealth.com/news/hormones_depression.shtml
Filed under: Baking | Tags: baking, biscottis, bran muffins, gingerbread men, healthy baking, holiday baking, Starbucks, VIA
This year I will be baking for my friends, rather than buying presents. We are all in the same economic boat. I am excited to crack my creative knuckles, as I will attempt GINGERBREAD MEN! I am thinking this baking will commence on Tuesday, my day off for the week, though considering today’s snowstorm, I may make them today. I will post pictures of my finished products but here is the recipe that I will be using:
http://www.joyofbaking.com/GingerbreadMen.html
Depending on how motivated I feel, I may also bake some espresso Biscotti’s using Starbucks’ VIA instantly brewed coffee. Have you tried it yet? I work at Starbucks and I hate instant coffee (nescafe in Denmark and Europe made me want to vomit). But this stuff is tolerable and I make it about once a week when I am in a pinch. That being said, it is GREAT for baking. I will post a recipe when I have the exact one on hand (it is in the tweaking process).
For myself, I would love to bake some bran muffins. I am kind of a health nut (and attempting to become more healthy and in-tune with my body’s needs) and I found some great muffins I would like to try: http://www.joyofbaking.com/muffins/OatBranMuffins.html.
If anyone has any recipes that they would like to share, please share them with me!
Filed under: 1 | Tags: dating, exercise, fighting, goals, green living, gym, motivation, relationships, snow, texting, winter
Today I am going to start blogging about things that matter in order to differentiate this from my journal. I have opinions just like the next person and I want to get them out there.
I will continue blogging about my (distorted) relationships and my quest for companionship. However, I will also write about health and fitness, mental health and mental health care and my attempts to live a balanced lifestyle. I want to become more socially active in my community and less consumed by work. After all, as a recent college graduate I don’t actually have a “real job” at the moment.
Note: I hate when people ask me “so, when are you going to get a real job”. I want to yell at them and point out that my 40 hour work week at starbucks is probably more demanding and physically taxing than their job in front of a computer. Still, I do hope to make a difference, somewhere.
I have been looking for places to volunteer. I am thinking I would love to work at a battered women’s shelter or a planned parenthood of sorts. I need somewhere close by to which I can commit to going. I don’t think I could handle working with kids but women I can do. Or animals. I wouldn’t mind spending time at an animal shelter.
I’m going to become more of a doer. I am going to stop waiting around pathetically for someone to come and ask me to do stuff. I will overcome my anxiety and appreciate when I don’t have things to do. Today, for instance, I may or may not be hanging out with the boy to watch the game. Stupid texting had me confused last night (I hate text messages) and it was a little tense. I am a little bipolar. I was so tired that I didn’t realize he was joking when he was and I snapped. Silly girl. Anyways so we may or may not watch the game (he may be exhausted with me at this point) and I want to go to the gym. It is a white white day out there, however, so I need to clean off the car. I haven’t been to the gym since Friday and Friday was a pathetic attempt. I am starting to feel bloated and lazy.
This winter I will: go cross country skiing, sledding and ice skating, despite my natural aversion to the snow and cold. I will go out with my friends more to do things other than drink. I will not let one person determine my mood. I will save my money and become more organized. I find t hat the less organized that I am the more frantic I become. I need to organize my room and get a freaking rug (it’s cold in there).
Anyways, time to web surf a little more, have another cup of coffee and head to the gym. To start what should be a good day. Out of teh house, despite the snow.
Filed under: 1
Starting tomorrow things need to change. After my final. I need to a) organize my life, starting with my room. b) eat BETTER.. which means less sugar, more real foods. c) solve my issues with relationships.
This starts tomorrow. studying now.. and feeling slightly guilty about the reduced fat berry coffee cake I ate. . .
Filed under: Dating & Relationships, General | Tags: Covert Bailey, exercise, fat burning, fat cells, Fit or Fat for the 90's, goals, job search, nutrition, relationships, research
After talking with a coworker last night I have decided to become more dedicated to my paper journal. I have a really difficult time organizing thoughts in my head because there are SO many of them. Does this ever happen to anyone else? I need to get myself back on track. I need a focus and a motivation and I need to re-cultivate my interests.
Things happened with this guy last Tuesday and I’m not sure where this is going to go. It may have been an epic fail. This time around, I’m going to try not to think about it too much and see what happens. The more I think about it the more anxiety will come… I don’t want either of us to get hurt again but I think that a) we’re either numb or b) it is inevitable.
I have been eating a lot of simple sugar lately and that needs to stop. Interestingly, I have also been drinking a lot of diet coke (connection? I think so!). I need to learn to pick and choose which cravings I will give into (ie: the pastries at Starbucks just aren’t that good. Don’t do it!). My cravings for sugars are always at night so I think I should eat more protein at dinner and relax a bit more. I tend to crave sugars when I’m relaxed at night so maybe I should relax a bit more during the day to balance myself out. Also, I have been incorporating more healthy fats to see if that helps to balance my cravings.
I watched a fantastic lecture in my Anatomy class on Saturday called “Fit or Fat in the Nineties”. Really, I think everyone in America should watch this film. The nutritionist/microbiologist giving the lecture is a MIT alumnae name Covert Bailey who did some research with rats on fat metabolism. Basically, he found that rats who are active and exercise on a regular basis do not store sugars as fat whereas rats who are not active do store sugars as fat. Further, those inactive rats have fewer enzymes in their fat cells to reconvert fat into sugars for energy usage. This is an interesting fact and really highlights the importance of exercise, not only when trying to lose weight but also, in everyday life. Further, he stressed that when trying to burn fat, the best type of exercise is at an intensity where you are working hard but you can still carry on a conversation (running, but not sprinting, fast walking, etc.) This helps explain why, when I was most active, I had a really difficult time gaining an ounce.
http://www.spout.com/films/Covert_Bailey_Fit_or_Fat_for_the_90_s/155785/default.aspx
That is a link to the film if anyone is interested.
This Saturday I have my final but after that I think I would like to start volunteering on a regular basis. I was thinking a battered women’s shelter or an animal shelter would be optimal. I have also been applying to many research assistant jobs but, unfortunately, many of them are long term positions. I have an interview at Joslin on Wednesday as an immunological research assistant but it is a 2 year position. I will go and see if maybe I could only work this one year. We’ll see. I have the skills the difficulty lies in proving it. Job hunting is difficult, as any recent graduate knows. Especially when one only has a bachelor’s degree.
Filed under: 1
You would think I like to torture myself. I want a relationship but I can’t commit. I can’t handle being liked. What is wrong with me? Do I think I am inadequate? Blakdjfkaj;df.
Filed under: Dating & Relationships
I can’t let this go. Every day it’s all I think about. I am getting exhausted from thinking. Do I open this up again and risk us both? I am in so much pain and I wonder what could be if we just continued a little longer. Will he take me back? Is that what I really want? It’s not like I’m looking for a hookup. I don’t care about that. I like him. I want to spend time with him. I Like being with him and he makes me a more grounded person.
If I do go back, do I open up to him and show him everything about me? I’m slightly crazy, slightly dependent. He knows I’m crazy. But I’m unsure he knows the extent to which I’m crazy. If I see him I may want to cry a little. I’m crying a little inside. I’m unable to cry on teh outside. it hurts too much.
… you begin to wonder why you came.
Filed under: Dating & Relationships | Tags: breaking up, dating, loss, love, pain, relationships
Today I got exhausted from thinking about this to-be, non-existant, ridiculous relationship. For the past 4 days we have been trying to get together but one of us has been sick, tired, and everything in between. Perhaps this means we shouldn’t see each other at all. I am tortured. I woke up today, positive we would be hanging out at some point. I went to my doctor’s appointment (looking nice just in case) and recieved a message from him in route, asking me about work the day before. After I responded I didn’t hear from him for a while.. and then he was cleaning.. and then he was tired. So I said “Ok. Ok that’s fine. Feel better” .. twenty minutes later I sent another one “if you change your mind and do decide to hang out in the near future, let me know”. That was kind of my last warning. He picked up on it fast.
“You don’t think I’m doing this on purpose do you? I do want to hang out…” and he listed his days off. And I said “Well, I really don’t know. If you didn’t want to hang out I would say it didn’t go undeserved”. That’s right, I’m not an insensitive asshole. I recognize that I fucked up. That I am consistently fucking up in this relationship. Or whatever you want to call it. In my mind we never really broke up. We could get back together tomorrow and I would be fine with it. But I always question how long I would be okay. I have hurt him for a long time.
I wonder what is wrong with me, why do I numb myself. When he bailed today I felt pain. Pain I wasn’t really expecting. I was let down. I wonder if, when I am anxious (as when I’m waiting to hang out), I numb myself to emotions. That seems to be a possibility. Because the moment he’s out of reach I feel pain. And I wait for a text, a phone call, anything. It sounds so pathetic. But when I know there is hope I become less excited. What does this mean? Do I enjoy suffering?
I miss him so much. I miss his companionship. If we do ever get back together, I will stress my need for space. I am me and nothing will ever change.
Reading this blog you probably think I am a whiny teenager. Perhaps. And I wish my emotions would quit yo-yo-ing. I know I can’t be friends with him. I don’t know if I can do without him. Am I setting us both up for future pain? I’m scared. I know I am drawing this pain out for too long.
I want to be able to call him up and tell him I’m stressed. I want him to tell me what he is thinking. I don’t want to go through life not knowing what I screwed up.
Filed under: Dating & Relationships | Tags: anxiety, breaking up, confusion, dating, heartbreak, loneliness, love, relationships
I saw the boy for the first time in one month last week. I went to visit him at work, at his request (well.. with my persistence). As I passed by the window and I saw him, my stomach jumped. Standing in line and hearing his laugh made me start to shake uncontrollably. He was really busy and didn’t see me.. I ordered my coffee and, knowing he was busy, I left.. and stood against a wall trying to collect my nerves. I was a mess.
I called my aunt and she came to save me for a while. And then I drove back and walked up and down the street, trying to decide what to do. I decided to leave again (without going in). I couldn’t handle it. But I did text him to say I was at my aunt’s and he said that I should stop by later.. So I went home for an hour and returned. And we talked. It was awkward at first. There is so much to say and so much neither of us want to say. I do miss him, though.
The night before thanksgiving I was working and I had told him to visit me before he returned home, if he wanted. I Showed up to work early, hoping he would come before I came on.. but he didn’t. By 6 PM I was a mess, sick with anticipation and disappointment. Then I received a message- he was going to come! I didn’t take a break and instead, I waited. When he came at 7:30 I lit up.. I couldn’t tell how he felt about the situation, though. We stood outside in the rain talking while he smoked 3 cigarettes. . . I didn’t even eat (well, I did after he left). I was so glad to see him. Seeing him somehow eases my anxiety.
Now I haven’t seen him since and the anxiety is building again. I get anxious if I don’t know whether or not I am going to see him. I miss him. I really do. I tore off the scab and the wound hurts again. Not like new, but the pain is there.
I found a song that perfectly describes my emotions (another one). That’s the Way I loved You by Taylor Swift.
